It Will Be As If He Never Existed
by Laurel Vyne
Summary: Edward promised her "It will be as if I never existed" and she never took that seriously...until now. She is making an effort to be Jacob's mate and forget Edward forever...but then...Edward returns; Edward is different. Will Bella accept the changes?
1. Closing the Edward Drawer

Jacob held me as I burst into tears again; the searing pain from the Edward-induced hole was tearing me in pieces from the inside out. This happened at least once a month now. Way less than it was three years ago; it had been four or five times a day. "Shh, Bella, shh." Jacob whispered, patting my hair while holding me to his warm chest. I bawled as Edwards beautiful face swam into my memories; our first kiss, the night in Italy, the day we met, when he proposed…I began to hyperventilate now. I was close to screaming when Jacob put his palm against the small of my back and kissed my forehead. He knew that always calmed me down. My breathing, though still ragged, began to slow. Jacob took my chin and gently pressed his lips to mine. "Are you better, Bell?" I nodded once and slumped into his chest.

Jacob had been there through everything. The fight, the pain, and then at the break-up. He had been waiting for me with open arms. He was content with just being my friend for the first year and a half, but he begged for a chance and he has not disappointed me. I love Jacob so much. Had Edward never existed, I could love Jacob the way he deserved. But Edward did exist, and I was still too broken to be in love with Jacob. Jacob accepted me as I was; broken and a little crazy. Jacob was in love with me and I knew that I was in love with him too. I just loved Edward more.

The night Edward left me forever…three years ago…was still vivid in my mind. We had a fight. The fight was all my fault of course. It was stupid. I knew better but I threw a fit about it anyway. Edward admitted to me that he had lost his virtue to a vampire back during his rebellious stage. I screamed and hit him. He tried to calm me down but I couldn't. "Why did you lie to me, Edward? How could you do this to me? It's over. IT'S OVER!" He ran to me and pressed me to his chest and I tried to pull away and he broke my arm. I knew it was an accident, but he still hated himself. He told me that if I was too fragile to handle fights then I didn't deserve him; I deserved someone better, someone human. He didn't even spend the night with me that night, and the next morning he was gone. He somehow snuck in and took my ring during the twenty minutes I slept that night. I had nothing of his. It was like the first time. I could still hear his voice reverberating in my thoughts. "It will be as if I never existed…."

I lay down on the bed and curled into a ball, trying to re-stitch the hole. Jacob knew that when I had gotten to this stage it was safe to talk to me. "Bella, I love you." I just nodded. It wasn't the time for that sort of exchange. Maybe in a minute or two. He put his hand on the back of my head and petted me soothingly. "I'll make you some hot cocoa, okay?" He left the room. Good, I thought, I need to think for a second. The last scene of love between me and Edward played in my memories. It was off limits, I knew, but I hadn't thought about it in so long it was fuzzy around the edges.

Edward was above me while I was writhing on the bed beneath him—but not from pain, from intense and other-worldly pleasure—I was screaming hiss name. I could still feel the sensation, the heat of my blood mixed with the chill of his skin, everything was so clear and then my memory abruptly turned to that last fight. He was holding me in his arms and I tried it turn free. I was so furious that I succeeded but he instantly pulled me back. "Bella." He sighed. I turned from him and he tried to turn me back. A sharp snap issued from my arm and I uttered a cry. My arm had snapped. The look on his face was horrid—so hurt and disbelieving. Yet he acted as if he knew it would happen. He rushed me to Carlisle. While he was fixing my arm, Edward paced, thinking deep. I tried telling him it was okay but he wouldn't listen. After he drove me home I never saw him again.

Jake had been my sanctuary; my safe haven for when the hole had reopened and claimed me forever. I had needed him the most then, and he held me together physically and emotionally. I was in love with Jacob Black. I had been for a while now. I would focus on him and only him. Why would Jacob want a deranged fiancée? I would do whatever it took to be who he deserved. These were the thoughts that always closed the hole back up. My engagement ring suddenly weighed ten pounds; it was a hand-carved polished, wooden band with a Quilette proverb carved into it. In their own language, it said "She who runs with wolves is protected from black magic." It sounded much prettier and more practical in Quilette.

Jacob returned with my favorite treat—hot cocoa with a huge dollop of Cool Whip—and smoothed back my hair and kissed my head. "Are you better, honey?" He knew better than to ask if I was "okay," he was a quick learner. I just nodded. I didn't trust my mouth. It felt like if I opened it then my heart would leap out of my throat. He curled me around his flame-hot body. This was procedure. After one of my depression attacks I was always shivering with cold. I tucked my face under his chin and kissed it gently. "I'm better now, Jake." He looked down at me, grinning softly. His warm oak-colored eyes gazed into my dark-chocolate shaded ones.

It had been five years since that night. I was a fully-developed 22 year old young woman; a virgin, fully developed, 22-year-old-woman. Jacob of course was a 20 year old, hormone-crazed, virgin male and he brought it up…_all the time._ It's not that I didn't want to be with Jacob in that way, it was just that I never got in that mood. He would try to get me there and I would just lose it. I knew there was something wrong with me, but the fact that we tried almost every night for a year and I just couldn't do it. It's very rarely that Jacob tried with me now.

I sighed and Jacob looked at me. "You say something?" He asked. I just shook my head and kissed his chin.

That night I couldn't sleep. I had a dream that made me want to wake up so bad that I threw myself out of bed in the attempt. It was about Edward. In my dream, I still lived with Charlie, in my old bedroom. Edward was standing at my window. His eyes were black with thirst, in the dark his skin glowed so bright and the circles under his eyes were so dark he looked like a beautiful, angelic skeleton. I reached for him, but he stood, rigid as a pole, and stared at me. I opened my mouth to speak but in the second that I had just thought about saying something his mouth had already crossed the room and descended on mine. I moaned in satisfaction and pleasure as his hands roamed my back and face. It felt so real, so lovely that I didn't know I was dreaming until I woke up. I was too stunned to even cry.

The next morning I woke up, exhausted. Jacob was with the pack and I felt lonely, as I always do when he's gone. This time, though, there was a letter on a ripped piece of notebook paper.

"Honey,

I'm sorry I wasn't there when you woke up. I miss you more than you know, and you're always in my thoughts. Leah complains about it but that's just Leah. I can't wait for the moment you're 100% mine. I don't care how long it takes. I have forever to wait."

I love you.

Jake"

I don't know when the tears started to fall; I do know that before I was done reading, the paper was already wet. Jacob was in love with me. I was in love with Jacob. In a world where magic didn't exist and myths and legends were just stories, Jake was my soul mate. If Jacob was human, and Edward died in 1918 when he was supposed to then Jacob and I would have been meant to be together.

I gasped as my final, life-changing choice had been made.

I would focus on Jacob, and no one else. Edward and his memories would be shut up into a drawer in the very back of my mind.

Forever.


	2. Jacob's Mate

((I stole some lines from SilverStream27. I thought they were so cute I just HAD to steal them!))

When Jacob returned, wearing nothing but cut-off blue sweats, I was laying in bed. Not in a depressed, lazy sort of manner. The kind of laying-in-bed that makes a man's eyes pop. I was lying on top of the covers on my side, a hand propping my head up. I watched Jacob as he entered the room and he stopped as soon as he saw me. "Uh, so I take it you're feeling better?" He asked, eying me attentively. I chuckled, promiscuously. "Jacob." I stated, huskily. It wasn't a question, or a statement. It was a beckon. He understood it as soon as he saw the expression in my eyes. He walked over to the bed, excited but careful. "Bella?" The way he said my name was like a question of my state of mind. I laughed again. "I read your letter." He shrugged, and I continued, "Jacob, I am a hundred percent yours; my body, my soul, my heart, my mind—it's all yours."

Jacob crawled into the bed then, lying beside me. I scooted over and wrapped an arm around his waist. He raised an eyebrow at me and I winked. He shook me off. "Bella, I didn't write that for you to make a decision right now, or even today, I didn't expect you to choose for at least another few years. I promise I'll wait, Bells. You don't ever have to worry about me leaving you. I don't care how long it takes…." I placed my finger over his lips and he stopped. "Jacob, I know, I trust that you won't ever leave me. I just don't want you waiting so long. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to love someone I'll never have; my knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil," I chuckled at my blasé façade, "I'm yours, Jake. Now and forever." His jaw slacked slightly and he sighed. "Oh Bella." He clutched my waist to his then. His hands were going places they had never gone before, and instead of pushing him away, I liked it. I wanted more. I wanted him to pull me closer and kiss me harder.

Jacob was a passionate soul. I could feel that now as his lips formed to mine in hungry, unfamiliar ways. He was too scared to kiss me this way before, and I was glad, but now as his hands wove their way through my hair I wondered how I could resist him so long. I whispered his name unthinkingly and he pulled me closer to him, groaning between kisses. I was dizzy, and my Edward drawer rattled, but otherwise remained firmly shut. I grasped his shaggy, black hair firmly and tugged. He gasped wildly, moving his lips up to my ear. "I didn't know you were so great at this, Bella. What else can you to surprise me?" His voice was low and rough. It sent chills through my body to hear this sort of emotion in his body. I thought of ways to surprise him, and placed a leg on his thigh. He cupped his hand behind my calf and pulled it higher, hitching it around his waist and pulling himself closer to me. He rolled then, putting me on top of him. He put his lips against my throat and I shuddered, feeling his teeth graze along my collarbone. I whimpered. "Bella, if you don't want to go any farther, you have _got_ to stop _now_."

I didn't want to go farther, I wanted to stop and tell Jacob that was enough for now and that we could go farther some other time…but I couldn't. I didn't want to stop because it had been so long since I had gotten any attention like this. I had _never_ felt this amount of passion or need in this sort of activity before. I needed it like I needed air at that moment. Not only the sexual attention but I needed Jacob. How long had I kept these sorts of thoughts from my mind? As his lips moved against my neck, I realized that I did want to have thoughts like this about Jacob before; I just kept them bottled up because I felt like I was being disloyal. Now, as his hands pulled me closer and his lips claimed my heart, I felt just the opposite; I felt like I had been being disloyal to Jacob. Jacob shuddered under my body and he pulled my lips to his again. He cupped my face in his huge hands and held his lips still against mine. I was glad he made sure they still touched; I wasn't sure if I could have handled having out lips wrenched apart. "Isabella." He whispered. I nodded, my eyes still closed. He chucked, "Isabella Swan, I want you _so_ bad right now. I absolutely hate myself for doing this and I'll kick myself as soon as I stand up, but we have to go." I opened my eyes and felt my lip jut out into a pout. He nibbled on my lip and my breathing quickened. He groaned in want and pain as he pulled away again. "It's Emily's birthday and there's a party down at her house. Sam is making everyone come. If there wasn't a stupid party I would love to—" he cut off his own sentence as he took in the expression on my face. I must have been displaying the same rejection and hurt that I felt because he pulled my face away to look at me more fully.

"Oh, Bella." He groaned. "You make this so hard! We have to go…at least I have to, you don't of course. I mean I'm sure if you wanted to…Sam did invite—." I sprung forward and attacked his mouth with mine. He wrapped his lips around mine in intoxicating rhythms. I groaned and pushed myself harder against him, the hands that were restraining my face were now cupping it lovingly. When I pulled away to breathe, I moaned his name, letting the word soak into every one of my and his nerve endings. I don't know when or how it happened, but he rolled to where he was on top of me. The pressure of his body against mine was sensational. The heat rolled off his body in arousing tremors and just when I thought I was winning…

"Bella," He groaned. I could tell he hated doing it, but he did eventually pull his hips up so they weren't so teasingly pressing mine apart. "Yeah?" I asked, huskily—annoyed. He put his lips on mine again, opening them slightly with his. "We. Have to…go…." He whispered into my mouth. I nodded, but instead of agreeing, I wrapped my legs around his waist, pulling him closer. He gasped and shuddered, then grabbed two fist-fulls of the waistband of my sweats. "No." He growled. More at himself than me. Jacob cussed the entire time he was unwrapping my body from around his, and changing his clothes. I sighed, accepting defeat, and pulled down my sweats. Jacob gasped and I turned to see him staring at me. I remembered I had never undressed in front of him. I pretended to ignore him and bent over to retrieve a skirt from my bottom drawer. I heard him whimper, then "SHIT!" I spun to see what was wrong, his thumb was profusely bleeding...he had been biting it apparently. "Oh, Jake! Are you alright?" I raced over to him and took his hand in both of mine. "Oh, honey, here." I grabbed a Kleenex from the bedside table and pressed it to the wound. Knowing it would clear up in a minute or two, I went back to the closet, attempting to complete my outfit.

Before I knew it, I was backed up against a wall.

"Bella, Bella, Bella, oh Bella!" he exclaimed, trailing his mouth across my shoulder. All I could do was nod. My head leaned back, my lips apart; I wrapped my arms around his neck trying to be as close to him as possible. "Sam didn't tell us not to be late." Jacob muttered to himself, removing my shirt. I blushed at my bland, tan bra, noting to myself to get something a little more sexy. Jacob didn't seem to mind though. He growled animalistically, pressing my half naked body against the wall. I moaned to his touches and wrapped a leg around his waist once more. He carried me to the bed and threw me against the mattress; I didn't notice the force or the brutality. It was too pleasurable to be alarming. I pulled his jeans off with my legs and tugged too-hard on his hair. He bit down on my lip and my entire body trembled. He ground his hips against mine and suddenly it was hard to breathe. My head swam and my entire body ached for him. I had never felt like this before….

We were late to Emily's party.


	3. Edward Returns

"Sorry we're late," Jacob grinned, his teeth glowing against his face. I blushed a deep red; it felt like all the blood on my upper body flowed to my face. The balloons were already drooping, and the presents were opened; paper and ribbon sat in a pile next to the couch. "We brought you this." I said, shyly gesturing towards a small paper gift bag. "Oh thank you!" She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled the gift out quickly. In her hand was a thin, shiny chain with a multi-colored crystal at the end of it. It glinted rainbows across the room so brightly that everyone's attention in the room turned towards it with curiosity. "It's so…I'm so…I don't know what to _say._" She gushed, "Oh, Bella put it on me, please! I fastened it around her neck, the charm settled comfortably into the hollow of her reddish-tinted throat. "I love it so much! It must have cost a fortune!" I shook my head, "It was just something I had lying around the house, actually." Or something someone gave me that I wanted to forget about, I added mentally.

"Oh thank you, _thank you_!" She grasped me in a tight bear hug and when she pulled away she was grinning ear to ear. Jacob wound his arms around my waist and set his lips against my ear; I trembled. "Where did that come from?" he asked me, eyeing it as if he recognized it. I just shook my head and unwound from his hold. "Just a little, insignificant bauble I was going to throw out." He glared at it as if 'insignificant' wouldn't have been a word he'd use to describe it. "So let's get this party started!" exclaimed Jacob, throwing a hand in the air and waving it to imaginary music. He dropped it when he saw everyone staring at him as if he were slow. "Actually Jake, Bella, the party is over. Everyone had just been talking about leaving." It was Sam that spoke. "I would like to give my fiancée a private birthday gift if everyone doesn't mind." He grinned down at Emily and her cheeks turned darker.

Jacob scowled and turned his torso to face the door. "That's alright, I understand," he glanced at me, "happy birthday, Em." She smiled at us and turned her gaze to Sam's. "Yeah, Emily, happy 21st," I mumbled. "See you." When we were on the car ride home, he kept his arm around my shoulders, "Do you have any other plans you wish to fulfill?" He glanced at me, insinuating something else entirely, but I said, "I want to visit Charlie." Instead of arguing like I expected, he smiled. "Yeah! I haven't seen your old man in a while. We should go see him." I smiled and leaned my head against his chest. Jacob was perfect for me. He was sweet, passionate, protective, but there was also the slightest hint of dangerous; he always had me on edge for some reason I couldn't put my finger on. I loved it, I loved _him._

When we pulled into Charlie's driveway, there was Charlie's cruiser and a bright red Jeep. "That's Sue's" Jacob informed me, apparently seeing my puzzled expression, "It's new." I nodded. Obviously, I thought. I knocked on the wooden door; it felt odd to knock now. It had only been half a year since I've lived here. "Bella!" Charlie threw open the door and held his arms wide open. Sue was over his right shoulder, grinning. I ran into his chest; I had forgotten how much I really missed him. He patted my hair, "What brings you here, kiddo?" I shrugged, "I miss you, Dad." He grunted off-handedly but only I could understand the emotion behind it. He was touched, and had missed me more than I had missed him, I was sure. We sat at Charlie's and talked for what only seemed an hour or so, but when I looked out the window, it was getting dark. "Oh, Dad, I didn't mean to keep you from your plans or anything." As I said this I glanced at Sue, she just shook her head and smiled softly. "You are always welcome, Bella." She said, and from the way she said it, I truly believed it.

Suddenly Jacob's head jerked back and he growled. I kicked his foot. "What is the matter with you?" I whispered harshly, "that was very un-human." He shook his head jerkily; it looked like he was trying to get a bad memory out of his head. His features contorted with rage, then depression, then with more anger, and then finally he deflated. "I've got to go!" he announced a little too loudly. "I stood up and murmured goodbyes to Charlie and Sue. "When we were outside I grabbed his arm and made him stop. "What is with you" I asked. His expression was something between wretched heartache and pure hatred. "Bella," He murmured. I pressed my finger against his lips and traced them softly. "Shh, now, Jacob, tell me what is wrong? Why are you acting like this? Whatever has hurt you I promise to make it better." The heartache expression seemed to dominate the angry one now. "No, Bella, I know what your choice will be, and I understand it isn't your fault but it still hurts and I would appreciate it if you would leave me alone for a little while until I recover." I stared at him, stupidly, then I pressed myself to his chest.

"Jacob Andrew Black; I am in love with you! I will love you forever! Nothing, absolutely nothing, will ever change that fact!" I had planned to say more but his expression cut me off. He sighed darkly. He pushed me out of his arms. I could feel the expression of rejection and hurt on my face. He stroked my cheek and I leaned my face into his palm. "I can think of one." He muttered. He hesitantly pulled my chin to make me look up at him. "Oh, Isabella…." He sighed and pulled my lips to his in an urgent, passionate kiss. I couldn't help thinking it would be our last one. He pulled away, wincing. "I'll see you, Bella." He turned and headed right into the forest, leaving me the Rabbit to drive. I sat down on the pavement and began to sob. The hole in my chest opened up again so suddenly, but this wasn't just the same hole, it was that hole plus a new, smaller one just below the old one. it stung.

"Bella?" I gasped and looked up. The voice was barely a whisper in the wind, but I heard it. It was the voice from my dreams and my memories…oh my favorite memories. The ones I locked away to remain out of sight. The drawer exploded, leaving me vulnerable…and whole. I stared at the beautiful, pale, smooth, perfect, angelic figure across the street.

My breath caught in my throat, I was too stunned to keep crying.

Edward Cullen was back in Forks.


	4. In Minds of Men

***EDWARD'S POV***

I gazed at my lost love from across the road. Had she just kissed Jacob Black? Of course, she was over me. I left her bleeding and he stitched her up with his affectionate presence. In that instant I knew I didn't have a chance…but I had to _try_. Even if Bella didn't want to be mine I had to let her know I still loved her and I had never stopped. The look on her face was pure confusion. I didn't have to be able to read her thoughts to know that the big neon sign in her sign was flashing "WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?" I gazed into her warm, chestnut eyes and even from this distance I could see

The hurt I had caused her over the last few years. My chest burned as I remembered what it had felt like to leave her…I thought I was doing the right thing. I had hurt her. I had broken her arm and the fact was it could have been so much worse. I was lucky…no she was lucky that it hadn't been her spine, or her neck…

I shuddered involuntarily. I took a hesitant step forward and saw the shock ripple across her face. It wasn't confusion anymore; now she was hurt. I felt the sting behind my eyes that I had gotten so used to…but this wasn't of pain entirely. I could see my Bella; my beautiful, loving, funny, over-sensitive, human Bella. Before I realized what I was doing I was moving forward; across the street, up the driveway, and in front of her. I looked down at her and smiled; not the half-smile I used to always bear but a huge cheek stretching smile. She just gazed up, confused and shocked. I put my hand on the back of my head. "Bella?"

***JACOB'S POV***

"Filthy, reeking, mother f-ing, blood sucking, half-dead, disgusting, BLOOD-SUCKING _LEECH!"_ I bellowed so loudly that the jays in the pines above me flew away. I didn't care. Tree after tree that was in my path of destruction had a fresh fist-sized hole in the side of it. My cheeks were wet and I had a pounding headache. I barely noticed the blood pouring from my knuckles—wounds that I wouldn't let heal because I kept hitting trees. Everything that I ever wanted was mine! Finally mine, and the G- d-ed mother, f-ing, stupid a-, stankin' bastard took her from me! "AARRGGHHNNHHH!" I yelled wordlessly and pounded my fist into a rotten log. The wet _CRACK!_ filled the serene forest air and made a few rabbits scurry away. She was his now; irrevocably, and there was nothing I could do. The way he smelled…he knew it was only a matter of time before she noticed too.

Eventually, through my blind stomping I tripped over a rock. I fell on my face but I didn't feel like getting up. The cold, wet moss filled my pores and chilled my bones, and my temper had fizzled down to burning ashes now. I sighed deeply, surprised at how life-saving that breath felt. I must not have been concentrating on my breathing. With my exhale came a new trail of tears. I felt like I was drowning in my own tears. They were cold and they hurt, but they wouldn't stop. I was shaking with the force of the I must have been sobbing because the next thing I knew, I was making loud gasping noises and practically screaming. I didn't want to phase—all those damned mutts in my head all the time were getting annoying—but I didn't want to stay human either. There was no go-between for me. Embry had tried to do a half-human-half-wolf body but he just ended up looking like big-foot with sharp teeth and a six-pack. I shivered involuntarily as a few raindrops escaped the canopy of the trees and splashed on my face. I could tell the difference between my tears and the rain because my tears were so hot.

I turned onto my back and stared at the faint glint of sunlight through a tiny hole between the trees. My chest heaved with my last sob, and my crying stopped. I came to a conclusion as quickly as I had stopped; I had to kill Edward Cullen…but then I realized that thought was stupid. No matter how much I hated him, and how much I wanted to kill him, I couldn't kill Bella. I would never hurt her that way. She didn't mean to hurt me, hell she hadn't even hurt me yet, but she was going to. I knew it. I decided to phase and take a run. In my wolf-form it was quiet, it was strange; to be free from human pain _and_ other people's thoughts were something I had never experienced before. I liked it. I let my wolf take over and I ran head-long into the woods, for what I was planning to be a while….

But before I was over the county line…there they were…


	5. The Human Cullen

"Bella? Isabella, are you alright?" Edward's voiced was panicked. _Edward's_ voice, Edward was _here._ I couldn't wrap my head around that. I was still sitting on the cool pavement, I was aware of that now. I didn't dare look up…I was afraid he wouldn't still be there when I did. He wrapped his arms around me and lifted me up. That's when I sobered up. "Let! Go! Of! Me! _NOW!" _I thrashed my legs and fists, hitting him everywhere I could. I knew I was hurting myself more than I was hurting him but I didn't care. My blows had an impact anyway; he let me down and stared at me incredulously. I blew a piece of hair away from my eyes and glared at his beautifully sculpted face. He looked hurt. I was glad. "What do you think you're doing? That's rude! What, do you go around man-handling young women now? Is that why you left me? So you could take advantage of some other helpless human! Well just go back to wherever the hell it is that you went before because I don't want you here! Go! _Shoo!"_ I made shooing motions with my hands and he just stood there. Still as a statue waiting for me to let it all out. I huffed.

"Isabella…." He started, but I interrupted. "DON'T! Do not call me by my full name, only people I LOVE can call me by my whole name! That list doesn't include you! You—you filthy LEECH!" His jaw dropped a little, and then he closed his mouth into a tight line. He turned on his heel and walked briskly back towards the woods. "NO! Edward, wait…" It came out as a choked sob. I sank back down to the ground and slunk against the Rabbit. I couldn't believe I had lost him again. I closed my eyes and let the tears fall freely. "Do I have to ask permission to wipe your tears away?" A crisp voice asked sharply. I looked up at his hard expression and glared, "I'd rather you didn't touch me at all, actually." I snapped.

I was enraged at myself for still being this weak to him. I wanted to be able to look him in the eye and tell him I wasn't interested in anything he had to say; although, I wanted to keep him talking, just so I could hear his gorgeous, throaty voice. It was gruffer than usual. Probably from emotion, I figured. I took a steadying breath and pulled away from him, pulling myself to my feet and facing him; shoulders squared and jaw set. "Why did you return?" I asked him. I tried to leave the excitement out of my voice. It seemed to work. I wondered why he pretended he couldn't hear my heart…even I could hear it. . I faltered momentarily, and then decided I had to look slightly to the left of his gaze so I could maintain concentration. "Answer me." I demanded. It sounded harsh, even to me. He looked at me for a long time before he spoke. "I—wanted to see how you were." He said each word carefully; weighing every syllable as if he wanted to make sure what he said had taken the effect he wanted. I sighed, my façade failing slightly, I felt my eyes tear up and I blinked several times to make the feeling go away.

"I wanted to see if you were doing all right, you know, since I left." He said more clearly. I gaped at him. "You waited five years to check on me? Why didn't you check sooner, while I was still mourning over you! Why didn't you come back when I would have taken you back? Let me tell you something, Edward. I don't want you. I don't even want you near me, so go away." I didn't realize I was crying until I couldn't see anymore. I wiped the moisture away, angrily, glancing at the black smudge on the back of my hand. "Shit." I said. I rummaged in my purse for a mirror. I looked in it and sure enough my right eye looked like I tried to impersonate a raccoon. I had to remember to get waterproof mascara next time around. I glanced up to see him studying me, his head tilted to one side like a confused puppy. I glared right back at him, conscious of the fact that I looked ridiculous like this. "Would you like to take a walk with me?" I glanced over at the woods then back up at him. "Why?" I sounded more curious than demanding. He shrugged and trudged into the forest, hands in his pockets. I looked after him; he was giving me the choice to refuse if I wanted. I did want to refuse, but I was still curious; so I followed.

That's when everything changed. The woods, which I had not set foot in since he left, gave off a tranquil fairytale setting. The green-gold of the sunlight poring through the trees overhead made me feel like I was having a wonderful dream. I gasped in surprise as I saw a deer, a hundred or so feet away, nibbling on a low limb of a tree. It looked up as Edward neared, and darted into the thickest heart of the forest. I didn't realize until I bumped into him that he had stopped. His palms were out, and facing upwards. He turned around to face me and I saw that his eyes were shut. If I didn't know any better I would have said he was asleep. His chest moved slowly in rhythmic movements, and that's when I saw it. He opened his eyes and for the first time I noticed something I hadn't seen before. I should have seen it…it was so obvious. So striking it took my breath away.

He was standing in a patch of sun, but he wasn't shimmering. I was confused, then I looked at his eyes—Edward's eyes were _green._ Not just any green, there were a rich emerald-hued green with just a slight outline of a shiny golden rim. He licked his lips, and his skin gave against the pressure of his tongue. He had dark circles under his eyes but they were different somehow—softer, more from sleep deprivation than vampire thirst. I couldn't look away. Then I looked closer at his face. It wasn't perfect anymore. He was still the most attractive man I had ever laid eyes on but his cheekbones were less prominent, his upper lip slightly asymmetrical and one eye was slightly higher than the other. _"No…."_ I whispered. I hadn't realized I had spoken aloud until he looked at me more intently than before. I shook my head. "This is…impossible." I couldn't wrap my head around it. He nodded once, never taking his eyes away from my face. He wordlessly took my hand in his—the sensation was odd, his hand was now warm and soft—and laid it over his left breast.

Underneath my hand, was a beating heart.


	6. Confused & Passionate

I stared at him, my hand still frozen on his chest. He looked away from me, a blush creeping across his cheekbone. Now this was it for me—Edward…blushing? His eyes sparkled as they turned to meet mine. They were the color of fresh grass sprinkled with dew. He smiled at me, embarrassed. His timid half-smile was so adorable I resisted the urge to touch the corner of his mouth. I was aware of how close our faces had gotten, and I immediately stepped back a step. He held his arms up and turned to the side. "Well? What do you think?" He asked. His voice was gruffer, no longer the smooth, silver sound that used to blend with his words. It was huskier and it went up in the middle of random words and certain syllables. His chest and stomach were not the chiseled-marble; they were softer muscles, and not as perfect. I shoved my hands into my pockets, and noticed that he did too at the exact same time. We smiled at each other, I felt blood brush across my face the same time his did.

"I think…I think…I wonder why you did this, to be honest." I looked at him expectantly. He took in a deep breath—the expression on his face was that of an actor about to deliver his lines. I prepared myself for a long story. "Bella, when I left you, it was for your well-being. I never left because I didn't want you, or that I was looking for something better, I left to find—someone." He hesitated before the 'someone' and I continued listening, not interrupting. "There is a—witch—in Scotland. Her name is Laureigh. She is the only witch I have ever heard of to be friendly with vampires. I looked for her for a year, until I finally found her hiding place—a sewer beneath the very heart of Scotland. I begged her to change me human; I was on my knees for hours, trying to talk her into it. She refused at first, but I told her I was in love with a human she asked me, 'Is she just you're blood singer, or is she you're soulmate?' I assured her you were my soulmate and she agreed. It was painful, while the blood filled my long-dry veins. With a mixture of witchcraft and human blood, I became human. My senses dulled, and my heart began to beat. Instantly, I thought of you, and how I will never be able to hurt you again. It took me a year to get back, I had to stop often to eat and sleep; I couldn't run, I had to rely on public transportation. It was a hard trip…but so very worth it.

He looked at me then, sliding his gaze from my face slowly down to my feet, then up again. I blushed again, he laughed. "May I?" He held open his arms again, and I ran into them. He gave slightly under my weight, and then recovered his posture. He burrowed his face into my curls and I felt him inhale. His human scent was much different. It was musky, with just the faintest hint of body odor. There was a little sweat on his chest where my cheek pressed against his skin. I inhaled sharply, taking in his new scent. Then, I began to cry. I cried for Jacob, because I was hurting him. I cried for Edward, because of the pain and sacrifice he went through, and I cried for me, because Edward was home and I was beyond happy.

He petted my hair in a soothing way; I could feel his heart accelerate when I slid my hand along his lower back. Mine quickened in return. He pulled away then, supping my chin in his hand and locking my eyes to his. Then my breathing did go uneven. I could tell what he wanted—his lips became fuller and his eyes softened dramatically. I don't know what he saw in my eyes, but it made him hesitate. Then, he stooped his face to mine, and barely brushed his lips against cheek. I shuddered, immobilized. He grazed his teeth up across my cheek and against my earlobe, pausing there to whisper in my ear, "I've never been able to touch you like this before." His tone was amazed, and pleased. Very pleased, I could tell, because his hands came up to wind around my back and pull me closer to him. Every line of his body pressed into the curves of mine. I shivered again, raising my hands to wind them through his hair. He kissed me softly down across my jaw and sucked lightly at my throat. I felt him grin against my skin when I tightened my grip wound in his bronzed locks. Finally, he hovered his lips in front of mine. Without waiting for him to finish, I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him full-on.

This kiss began the way I always remembered—careful and soft. Then he must have remembered that we were both human now, and his kiss became fiercer. I gasped wildly and kissed him back with as much ferocity as he kissed me, if not more. His tongue wrestled its way between my lips and I met it with mine. He moaned softly and pulled away slightly, so he just kissed me sweetly a few times, before pulling away. He grinned, a huge, white grin and I smiled back. "Bella," He started, his voice lower than before, "would it be alright to invite you somewhere more…comfortable?" Always the gentleman, I thought. I sighed and smiled softly before answering, "This isn't a reunion dinner you're asking me to, is it?" I knew the answer. I just loved to see him blush. "Well, it could be, if that's what you would prefer…" I reached up and kissed him again. "No, actually, I would much prefer what you had intended." He grabbed my hand and led me out of the forest, towards the Rabbit. I instantly felt a pang as I remembered Jacob, taking off and telling me he knew what I would choose…he was wrong.

I didn't even know what I would choose.


	7. Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?

Hand-in-hand, Edward and I loped towards his house. I was still unused to his erratic breathing next to me, and the sweat between our palm from his exertion. He wasn't used to exercise being a strain, and I felt bad for him—it was only a ten-minute walk. His cheeks were slightly flushed and sweat glistened on his temple, just under his tangled, dirty hair. Out of the corner of my eye I saw an animal dart past me. I looked and saw only trees rustling from the breeze. Shrugging it off, I continued my trek with Edward. About seven minutes into the walk, he stopped. "How do you do this?" Edward asked exasperatedly between pants. I laughed, but couldn't help but feel bad for him. "Edward, you're just not used to it. You will be in time…" my statement trailed off, unsure. He looked up at me from beneath his lashes and I was surprised again by the striking green shade of his eyes. He leaned forward, resting his hands on his knees, his breathing much more even than before. I noticed when he bent at the waist, a slight pudge protruded from his jeans. I was flabbergasted.

Edward righted himself and reached again for my hand, which I gave him without hesitation. His stomach growled loudly and I laughed again. This human Edward was going to take a lot more getting used to than I originally thought. "Breakfast time for the human?" I asked him, mocking his question to me those years ago. He looked at me and smirked, "A bit late for breakfast, isn't it?" I rolled my eyes at his sarcasm, but smiled at his Chicago accent. He still had that age-old wisdom to his voice, but the accent just barely lingered in his R's and vowel sounds. Again, I saw the same animal from before in my peripherals, but this time I was subconsciously ready for him. I whipped my head around and saw the tail of a wolf; a big, reddish-brown monster wolf. I sighed and self-consciously let go of Edward's hand. He apparently didn't notice the creature.

"Anything wrong?" He asked me, the hurt plain in his eyes as he watched me cross my arms across my chest. I smiled at him, so much better at hiding my feelings than I was before because of Charlie and my friends at school. I could feel the fake-warmth filling my smile and sparkling my eyes. He smiled back, just as big. I gasped at his face; so young and boyish. His smile was not only crooked but naturally lop-sided. He also had a mole on his chin where it dented from the strain of his smile and one of his front teeth overlapped his incisor. This was the Edward from 1918…the Edward that should have died…the Edward that should never have existed in my time. I stopped, perplexed at my train of thought: an Edward that should not have existed. It was easy to leash these thoughts when he was a vampire. He had been a magical creature, a creature meant to live forever, but now as his oh-so-human face looked at me with oh-so-human concern and he held my face in his oh-so-humanly warm palm, I shivered from the realization that'd hit me. Edward was never meant to live this long, and again I made the connection that if Edward had died of the flu in 1918 like fate had intended, I could be in love with Jacob.

It struck me as odd that just when I would start to fall back in love with Edward, my thoughts came right back to Jacob. Oh, how sex could change things. I realized Edward was still staring intently at me, trying to get a reading of what I was feeling…I was comforted by the idea that he could no longer hear my heart beating or my breath hitching. He slowly began to droop in his own depression. "Edward, what's wrong?" He shrugged, "Seeing you upset makes me upset." He said. I was confused, s I asked, "Why?" He reminded me of what he told me years ago about Carlisle's theory of why the vampires had developed supernatural skills and how they directly correlated with skills from their human life. As a human, Edward had been particularly sensitive to the thoughts of those around him. I nodded along with his story, half here and half back home with Jacob, wrapped warmed and protected in his arms. I sighed contentedly thinking about it, and I saw Edward smiling too. "Feeling better?" he asked her. I nodded, lying of course, but if it wasn't out loud was it really a lie? I wasn't so sure. Hello by Evanescence suddenly got lodged in my head. I sang it under my breath, and before I knew it I had started to crescendo towards a normal singing voice. As we started walking again, Edward sang along with me and we finished the high note perfectly, laughing and I, marveling at the human-ness of his voice, the slight gruff, his occasional tone-deafness. It was wonderful, but I couldn't help thinking how very wrong it was.

I think I knew before we even got there that his house would be empty. I may not have wanted to admit it to myself, but approaching this house, I was sure, was going to bring up a well of sadness that I had not felt in a long time. My throat closed as I looked up at the dark, abandoned house. Kudzu covered the door frame and window panes, concealing half of the house in ghostly green plant life. "Where is your family?" I asked him, looking over at him. He frowned, his chin tilting down. "It was…difficult…for them to be near me…in this state." He answered, "They are still in Greenland." Greenland. Of course; long nights and overcast days. The second best place to go for a vampire, right behind Forks, Washington. Edward turned to face me, took my hands in his, and slowly leaned his face towards mine. His eyes open, searching mine; I panicked.—a kiss—from Edward? Wasn't I with Jacob? Hadn't I just promised him my heart, my body, everything? I kissed Edward a second ago but that was reunion…this was wrong, somehow. Right before our lips were about to touch, he fixed his gaze on something behind my head. I spun around and there, in all of his naked glory, was Jacob.

"Who's afraid of the big, bad wolf?" Jacob chuckled. His eyes were—dark—to say the least. Cold. His deep, black eyes were evil instead of innocent. I'd never seen him this way, not even when he'd fought with vampires in the past. This was something totally different. I flinched away from him as he approached Edward. He took a deep inhalation through his nose and glared down at him menacingly. Edward seemed to shrink before him. "You're not much of a reeking bloodsucker anymore are you, Bloodsucker?" Jacob growled, "But I say you still stink." He placed his massive hand on Edward's chest and shoved him. Edward fumbled back about four feet and landed hard on his back. Horrified, I couldn't say a word as Jacob approached him again, placing his boot on Edward's throat. "One stomp and you could be dead," Jacob said to him, "But that'd kill Bella too. So you're safe…for now." He nudged Edward's throat enough to make him gasp, but he lifted his foot.

"Jacob!" I screamed as he walked away. He turned and looked at me. The ice in his eyes seemed to crack. The hardness was replaced by sadness and he reached his arm toward me, seemed to change his mind, and put it back to his side, clenching his hand into a fist. He shook slightly, and someone unused to the wolves may not have seen it, but I could see where the skin beneath his jaw and across his stomach shook slightly with the stress of not being allowed to take control. Our locked gazes seemed to pass a power between us. My chest yearned to press against his, I wanted to touch his hand, his face, anything. My fingers twitched like they would if I were moving to hold his hand. I saw his do the same, and we both grinned sheepishly. Without a conscious thought, I stepped towards him, and he seemed to move unwillingly too. We let out feet carry us where we each wanted to go the most and when we had merely an inch between our bodies, my eyes left his. I raked over his jaw, his neck, his chest and shoulders. I looked back into his eyes and they were no longer hard and black, they were the soft wool-grey I was more used to. They sparkled as he looked into my eyes and he seemed to be communicating with my soul, and my soul was communicating back. I could almost see a strong, silver cord between our hearts. A word lingered just on the tip of my tongue, yet I couldn't make sense of it. It was something that was never supposed to happen to me; never in this life; never in Edward's….

I heard a muffled cry from behind me. I hesitantly spun around and saw Edward looking over at us, a terribly pained expression on his face, I felt horrible, and I took a step back from Jacob, but at that same moment he'd taken a step forward, so we were still the same distance apart. I never took my eyes off of Edward as he tore his eyes away from me, picked himself up off the ground and walked into his house. My heart ached for his contentment, my guilt seeping through every inch of my skin.

I knew I wouldn't even give him a chance. My Edward drawer was gone.


End file.
